I'm drive I can fine osifer
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
