I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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