FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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