she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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