well I can't set my house on fire every night
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
