and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
