It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'm like, not good at living.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
