she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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