Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
