It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
