Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
