Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
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