My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
