you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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