you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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