did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
