he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Come see our sink grown plant.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
