a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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