saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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