He disabled his match.com account in front of me
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
