the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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