I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
