I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
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