I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
