i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
