Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Randomize
