I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
