from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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