Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
