can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
