How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
