I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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