12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
