I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
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