I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
whose parrot is this?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
