I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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