We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
