It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
