I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
