Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
