Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
