wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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