proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
