Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
