Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
