I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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