so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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