I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Someone shit on the floor
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
