i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
