You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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