My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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