a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
