You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
you had me at cake vodka
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
